The ‘other woman’ constantly haunts the male psyche. This has been so from time immemorial and has become an obsessive passion in the modern world of constant titillation. Traditional perceptions of marital loyalty and fidelity are crumbling. It was once believed that you fell in love only once and that a marriage was forever. But many couples don’t believe it anymore.
The fact is that you can be attracted to another person anytime and it can happen at any point in your life, even when you are comfortably ensconced in a marriage which is as warm as an old fuzzy blanket. It keeps away the cold, but not the yearning. The potent charm of the other woman is simply that she is unattainable and this can act like an aphrodisiac. “The other woman’s attractions are varied,” says Dr Varkha Chulani, renowned psychologist and sex therapist. “She need not be the most intelligent or the most charming woman; the attraction lies in the eyes of the beholder.”
With work culture changing, male and female colleagues nowadays spend lot of time together. Many men are more intimate with their colleagues than with their wives. “This creates a special bond, making them emotionally dependent on each other,” adds Dr Chulani. Psychologists term this emotional infidelity and this can easily end in a full-blown affair. When sexual attraction and emotional attachment combine, there are chances of a man walking away from his family. “The truth is that wives cannot give their husbands the ‘high’ that the other woman can,” says television personality Mandira Bedi. “Romance, lust, passion... belong to the realm of the other woman. In contrast, the wife is on a losing wicket, with harried looks, wailing children, demanding jobs, dependent relatives and endless chores.”
So, why do men stray when they themselves have chosen to marry into domesticity? Theatre personality Alyque Padamsee compares it to going to a restaurant and ordering what you want to eat and being happy with it till you suddenly see the mouth-watering dish in the next table. In their bid to do many things, women sometimes stop communicating with their husbands. The man sees his wife tied up in circles and feels bad that he is no longer the centre of her universe. “The other woman is an ego booster,” says writer Anil Dharkar. “Also, perhaps the wife does not share the husband’s wavelength and he needs to find someone to feed his interest and his sexual appetite.” It is not just marriages that are old and staid which are prone to such threats. “All marriages have divorce potential, however old, solid and well entrenched they are,” says Dr Chulani.
Sudekshina and Anil were married for 12 years. When she found out that Anil was having an affair, she went into depression. She blamed herself for not keeping her husband satisfied. She started binge eating and in two years, she became very fat and gained 20 pounds. It was an old school friend who finally saved her from the self-destructive trip. Sudekshina now works for a publication and has left her husband. “I blamed myself and what I did not realise was it was a deep spiritual hurt,” she says. “It had corroded away my confidence and my self-esteem and through it all, I blamed myself.”
It is a dangerous myth that only weak marriages are vulnerable. Sometimes ideal couples bite the dust.Male promiscuity is socially accepted while female straying is termed adultery. “Male promiscuity is considered a measure of manhood,” says Mr Padamsee. “Males desire variety while women often desire stability. As a result women have more to fear from their own sex than from the opposite sex.” The dilemma is as old as time itself; whether you should leave a woman who trusts you and go after an alluring mirage. As the poet Shelley said, “We look before and after and pine for what is not.”
The fact is that you can be attracted to another person anytime and it can happen at any point in your life, even when you are comfortably ensconced in a marriage which is as warm as an old fuzzy blanket. It keeps away the cold, but not the yearning. The potent charm of the other woman is simply that she is unattainable and this can act like an aphrodisiac. “The other woman’s attractions are varied,” says Dr Varkha Chulani, renowned psychologist and sex therapist. “She need not be the most intelligent or the most charming woman; the attraction lies in the eyes of the beholder.”
With work culture changing, male and female colleagues nowadays spend lot of time together. Many men are more intimate with their colleagues than with their wives. “This creates a special bond, making them emotionally dependent on each other,” adds Dr Chulani. Psychologists term this emotional infidelity and this can easily end in a full-blown affair. When sexual attraction and emotional attachment combine, there are chances of a man walking away from his family. “The truth is that wives cannot give their husbands the ‘high’ that the other woman can,” says television personality Mandira Bedi. “Romance, lust, passion... belong to the realm of the other woman. In contrast, the wife is on a losing wicket, with harried looks, wailing children, demanding jobs, dependent relatives and endless chores.”
So, why do men stray when they themselves have chosen to marry into domesticity? Theatre personality Alyque Padamsee compares it to going to a restaurant and ordering what you want to eat and being happy with it till you suddenly see the mouth-watering dish in the next table. In their bid to do many things, women sometimes stop communicating with their husbands. The man sees his wife tied up in circles and feels bad that he is no longer the centre of her universe. “The other woman is an ego booster,” says writer Anil Dharkar. “Also, perhaps the wife does not share the husband’s wavelength and he needs to find someone to feed his interest and his sexual appetite.” It is not just marriages that are old and staid which are prone to such threats. “All marriages have divorce potential, however old, solid and well entrenched they are,” says Dr Chulani.
Sudekshina and Anil were married for 12 years. When she found out that Anil was having an affair, she went into depression. She blamed herself for not keeping her husband satisfied. She started binge eating and in two years, she became very fat and gained 20 pounds. It was an old school friend who finally saved her from the self-destructive trip. Sudekshina now works for a publication and has left her husband. “I blamed myself and what I did not realise was it was a deep spiritual hurt,” she says. “It had corroded away my confidence and my self-esteem and through it all, I blamed myself.”
It is a dangerous myth that only weak marriages are vulnerable. Sometimes ideal couples bite the dust.Male promiscuity is socially accepted while female straying is termed adultery. “Male promiscuity is considered a measure of manhood,” says Mr Padamsee. “Males desire variety while women often desire stability. As a result women have more to fear from their own sex than from the opposite sex.” The dilemma is as old as time itself; whether you should leave a woman who trusts you and go after an alluring mirage. As the poet Shelley said, “We look before and after and pine for what is not.”
